Week 1
It has been a tough week. I went back to work for the first time since basically August and the Universe threw everything it could at me this week. My very first day I woke up early so I could clear the snow off my car, which no one likes to do, it took forever and I was obviously really cold and frustrated. Next I thought I lost my wallet because it wasn’t in my purse at orientation. I initially couldn’t find it in my car, and I called Marylous to see if I left it there and they didn’t have it, so I went through the first couple hours of orientation in a silent panic, texting my mom and boyfriend about why my life would be over if my wallet was missing. Then at 12 when we got our lunch, I went back to my car and I ended up finding it in the passenger side of my car. I started feeling a lot better and the rest of orientation went well, I was feeling good about the job, the dress code was casual, the benefits were good, things were looking up. After I got out of orientation I went grocery shopping and then picked up my daughter, Lilah from her after school program. Then in the middle of a busy street near my house my truck stopped accelerating and I was in a panic for the second time that day. I called my mom to have my dad come help me and when I asked her basically what I was going to do because I didn’t want to lose this job and had no idea how I was going to get to work and she had no answers for me, I felt so triggered that I went into a full blown BPD episode, I was screaming, crying, hitting the steering wheel. I got out of the truck to tell my mom I wanted to kill myself. In my head if I didn’t get to work the next day it was all over, I worked so hard to get this job and I had been too poor for too long and struggled too much to go back to living that way, I couldn’t start from square one and without a truck no less. Meanwhile cars were just piling up behind me even though I had my hazards on like I was there having a good time because people are stupid. My dad and brother came to rescue me, loaded my groceries into my dad’s car, my brother drove me back to my house and my dad was able to get my truck moving and drove it to his and told me he would pick me up for work tomorrow. I couldn’t stop crying, mostly because I had gotten so escalated in front of my daughter who was shaken up by the experience, but also just from being so drained from the day. I was pretty inconsolable and honestly it was hard to want to live. The hardest thing about my BPD is that when a crisis happens, it always feels like the last straw because there is always something going on and the pain is so unbearable that it feels so unlivable.
When we got home I made sure Lilah was okay and apologized to her for getting so upset. I made her dinner and got her settled and then I called my boyfriend so I could work on settling myself. He was great, he wasn’t overwhelmed by my big emotions and didn’t feel like I was being too much, he just validated me and made me feel safe. It was really refreshing but at the same time I felt so scared that he was going to get tired of me and my antics and I would lose that feeling of safety. I hung up with him because I had to get Lilah ready for bed, it was late, the car problems took a while and bedtime was fast approaching, I was still having a hard time stopping crying and he suggested I meditate and make myself a tea and that really helped. I was grateful for the suggestion and he was grateful that I took it. Another thing that helped was being vulnerable at my Sober Faction meeting and sharing how I was feeling, it’s a good release even though it’s equal parts embarrassing to admit that I’m straight up not having a very good time yet again. Either way, the support was needed and it helped.
Day 2 of orientation I woke up as sick as can be, my nose running, my body sore and I felt depressed about the uncertainty of what was going to happen with my truck, my dad gave me a ride to work but I needed a reliable vehicle for my job and it was only day two and I didn’t have that. They showed a suicide prevention training video and I absolutely lost it, just quietly cried to myself in the orientation. I couldn’t help it, I felt like such an imposter, everyone around me was there being a professional and I had felt very suicidal not 24 hours prior, I didn’t know how I was going to get through it. I cleaned myself up and continued with the day. Luckily my dad bought me dayquil on the way home because I started getting that sick delusional high feeling, but I obviously couldn’t call out so I just had to tough it out.
The rest of the week was tough, I had to cancel both my therapy appointments due to my schedule and between being sick and being new I just felt like shit. I was really overwhelmed the job seemed like a lot and I didn’t know if I was going to be able to pull it off. I really don’t like getting home at 6:30 it makes taking care of Lilah harder and honestly taking care of myself a challenge as well. It has been hard to have the energy to cook when I get home, go to my meetings and it has been frustrating. I feel like there is so much that I require to keep my mental health in a stable place and I don’t know how to do it while I’m working full time, which is why I wanted disability, at least temporarily, in the first place. I really wanted to be able to focus on my mental health, but I couldn’t be that poor anymore, it wasn’t sustainable. By the weekend I was so drained and down that I just spent Saturday napping periodically and watching Bob’s Burgers, my favorite show. Sunday was a little better, my dad gave me my mom’s car to borrow, I cleaned and I was feeling a little more optimistic about going into week two. I’m still waiting to hear what’s going on with my truck, the uncertainty is really terrifying, but I’m doing my best. All I can do is my best.
