Too much
There’s too much going on in my current life to continue this process of just filling you in on what has already happened in grave detail. It’s too hard. Basically after my assault I got fired while on another mental health leave. WOMP WOMP.
Christmas was hard, being single for Christmas was a challenge. I am seeing someone in a casual way but this was the first year in a long time I haven’t been in a committed relationship and bounced around from one Christmas to another. There were elements about that which I liked, but there were others that made it really lonely and really overwhelming. My family can be a lot sometimes and the way my BPD shows up in the world is that I am very sensitive, I am overwhelmed easily by a lot of sensory input like noises. So when there was a lot of people crammed in a small living room, there was wrapping paper flying around, and a lot of talking/yelling of my child as she opened toys I could feel my whole body tense and I just became really irritable. It’s hard. I want to enjoy holidays and moments that my child is going to enjoy but sometimes it just feels like I am completely crawling out of my skin and I very quickly escalate, become short with the people I care about. It’s really hard to control.
Like two days later my roommate told me I had 6 months to move out and it seemed like my next crisis was right on schedule. I haven’t worked since August, I have nothing in my bank account, rent in the area is outrageous and I’ll be waiting on the housing list for years as I am currently 506. One of the things I had been trying to avoid since leaving my last relationship is moving back into my parents house. A lot of my trauma lives there and my Dad is still in early recovery and that really frightens me, not only for me, but for him. I don’t want to do anything to make that more difficult and jeopardize his recovery. Ultimately after an initial panic I decided that it was better for me to prepare to go home and at least have the support of my parents while I rebuild my life. My finances are a mess, I am just getting ready to start a new job as a recovery support navigator this month. My parents want to remodel the top floor of their house for me to stay in and then they would move into the second floor, turning my old room back into two separate rooms so that my mom has an office and place for the rabbits and my dad can have a space to be alone and meditate and do his own shit during the day. It is hard for me to stay hopeful about it because I have been burned moving back home before, but it does seem like the only way that I can focus on myself and have relatively stable housing. I’m just scared.
Today was the first of the year and I celebrated 4 years sober today. I polar plunged today! I’m really proud and I’m going to make it a tradition. I love New Year’s and thinking of goals. In the past I haven’t been very successful, usually they have been weight loss related and pretty toxic due to diet culture. 4 years ago I just woke up really hungover after a particularly bad New Year’s Eve party where I acted like a fucking mess and I just couldn’t do it anymore and it just stuck. 2020 was a really tough year for a lot of people, hell it was a global pandemic, but it was one of my best years, it was the year I took control. I feel like since getting sober I’ve been trying to capture the magic of that first year and I haven’t been able to. I think the problem is that I am trying to go back in time instead of moving forward in the first place, the world is never going to be what it was during 2020 again, and I’m never going to be that person again and that needs to be okay. But with keeping change and moving forward in mind I want to put some goals down that I can work on this year.
- drink 15 cups of water a day (120 oz)
- metta daily for 365 days
- start hiking again
- somatic workouts
- make and stick with budget
- open new bank account
- yoga daily
- research supplements vs psych meds
- less processed foods
- remodel parents house/move
- ketamine treatment
- DBT
So I’m just going to start knocking things off the list the best I can one a month in no particular order. The first being drinking more water. I’m a big believer in setting smart goals so
- Specific: 15 cups of water a day
- Measurable: I’ll keep track on my plant nanny app
- Attainable: I’m going to start with 1 one of my water containers a day and build from there
- Relevant: This goal is relevant to me because it will help with my energy, my skin, and my overall health
- Timely: I will achieve this goal by February 1st
