September 1st

I was excited to go back to work. I loved my job and I felt mentally and
physically fit after my respite and month-long mental health leave. What I
walked into was a less than desirable experience. The person I was sharing my
office space with was really getting on my nerves, just a truly inauthentic
human being and our personalities didn't mesh well. His voice, which never
ceased, was like nails on a chalkboard and it immediately rubbed me the wrong
way again. I found myself quickly overwhelmed and outside smoking a cigarette.
Both my bosses were on a trip to an AA convention, which was fine, it was the
opposite of a trip I wanted to take, but I was upset that it wasn't
communicated to me. Communication was a big problem in the workplace and I
really depend on open communication. I also found out that they hired someone
externally for a position I applied for, and no one let me know I wasn't
selected. My brain was moving at a million miles a minute and I could barely
breathe, I hadn't even had my coffee yet and I was already hell bent on finding
a new job. I no longer felt welcome there. It wasn't the same place that I started
working at a year prior and I didn't like what the center had become. Then he
walked in.

Chris and I had been very close since he started coming to the center in
December, he had great energy and we had a lot of similar perspectives on
things. We had good conversations and he quickly became a very active
volunteer, but he had his problems. While I was away, they started an indoor
garden upstairs and Chris walked in with his son and headed straight upstairs,
which was a problem because he was supposed to alert staff. My coworker Matt,
let him know on his way down and Chris absolutely lost his mind and started
screaming. I had been in my office at the time, unaware of what was going on,
Chris had got to the door, directly outside of my office so I stepped out. He
yelled at Matt "I never fucking liked you" and I stepped in front of
Chris and calmly said "not in front of your kid, not in front of your
kid" and he grabbed me by my upper arms, hard, and pushed me back" I
blacked out and it triggered all the times Ken hurt me in the past, all the
abuse I had sustained as a kid, all the pain. I froze, I couldn't respond. He
left on his own.



I went in the bathroom and cried and thought about cutting myself for the
first time since I went on my mental health leave and it made me angry, I had
been doing so well, how could this asshole come in an hour into my first shift
back and take all my progress away from me? With both bosses gone, no one knew
what to do, I was experiencing trauma responses all day so I couldn't make
decisions and everyone else said to call the cops or go above our bosses'
heads. I was scared and I wasn't thinking clearly. I wish I had done things
differently, but I just worked, and then went home. The bruises showed up on my
arms the next day, the emotionally pain lingered longer than the dark purple
and red marks.



It was decided that he would be banned from the center for a mere 90 days,
which Chris and I both felt was fucking insulting for two different reasons. I
didn't think he should be allowed back at all and Chris didn't think he did
anything wrong and laughed it off with Destinee, our director. No one was
taking my assault seriously and I was furious. Then he started showing up
outside everyday, parked across the street, multiple times a day. I could
barely work, I was so paranoid about what he was going to do next, my office
was right next to the entrance. I expressed concern about his loitering and was
told nothing could be done because he was basically across the street. This
went on for about a week.



Meanwhile, my mental health was plummeting again, my suicidal thoughts were
back with a vengeance and I was in the same dark place I was before I left with
the added PTSD symptoms triggered by my assault that no one was taking
seriously. I decided that I wasn't ready to be at work and I would go on short
term disability. So, I left again, feeling pretty defeated and weak. But I was
determined to get better.