Scared To Admit
I’m almost scared to admit that I am feeling okay. I had another kinda up and down week at work. I had been off of my antidepressant for two weeks because CVS, those failures, were out of it, but I was able to pick it up last Sunday 01/21 and I was initially relieved. When I woke up Monday morning I was absolutely dragging the most ass, my medicine makes me tired, but that had been fine when I was at home because I could nap and I wasn’t really doing a whole lot before I started working. The next thing I noticed was I was really struggling to stay awake while driving, that was scary, but I got to work okay. Then at work I again, was really struggling to remain conscious, could barely keep my eyes open. This went on all week and seemed to only get worse, each morning I was blowing off my morning routines, some mornings I couldn’t even make it in the shower because I was snoozing my alarm so late. This was followed by a horrifying drive to work and then barely functioning in the workplace. This came to a head on Thursday, the center had a meeting with everyone to discuss changes in the center’s hours potentially, and trying to get more youth in with my boss and her boss, the Vice President of Outpatient Services and I could feel my eyes grow as heavy as cement, I kept shifting in my seat to try to fight it. Once the meeting ended my boss’ boss asked to speak to me and I had to explain my med conundrum. She assured me that she has lived experience and that I wasn’t in trouble but it felt like absolute dogshit and was wicked embarrassing. Right then and there I decided I wasn’t taking Luvox anymore, the cons outweighed the very lackluster pros and I planned on telling my Dr I wanted her to put me on something else at our next appointment Tuesday anyway. I didn’t immediately feel better, the exhaustion seemed to linger Friday too, but I felt good about my decision.
Friday I did a good job driving, which is a really hard thing for me to do, so I could go see my boyfriend. I drove 30 minutes home from work to trade out the car I was borrowing for my truck that was finally fixed and then drove an hour away to my boyfriend’s house. It was a lot, it was really stressful, but I did it. I was happy to see him but I did notice moments where I was having a hard time staying in the moment because I was stressing out about driving home the next day. Being mindful is a place where I really struggle, it feels like I am always preemptively stressed about the next thing. I did have a nice time though, we watched Picard together and cuddled. It felt good to see him, it had been a few weeks and I missed him.
I got a lot done Saturday after I got home I did laundry and cleaned both mine and Lilah’s rooms. I went to an afternoon Sober Faction meeting and then MOD’d my usual Saturday night meeting.
Sunday I woke up early, I did my positive affirmations, I meditated, I did yoga, I read my tarot cards, I even saged the house to clear out old energy because I was feeling inspired. I was really proud of myself for doing yoga, it was the first time doing yoga in a while. Yoga used to be such a big part of my recovery and I did it everyday. I want to commit to myself to doing yoga at least 5 days a week, ideally everyday, but that’s not always realistic. I just about completed my first New Years goal of drinking more water and I’m up to 1 gallon a day so I am setting my second New Years goal to be to do yoga 5 times a week. I filled out a SMART Goal worksheet on it during downtime at work.
It’s so funny that I titled this what I did because Tuesday night my boyfriend dumped me via text and I’m pretty bummed out about it. I thought he was a good guy and we had a good thing but I guess I wasn’t as important to him as I thought. It really breaks my heart to be honest with you. He was the first guy who didn’t make me feel that fear of abandonment and who made me feel understood and safe. I really felt like he was just my person, and it turns out I didn’t even matter to him. He broke up with me because he was too stressed about his car problems and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t understanding of that. Like I would have came to see you if you didn’t want to drive at first, I would have given you more support if you needed it. I’m a good girlfriend. How could you just throw me away for something like that? Why aren’t I important enough to also fight for. It makes me cry a lot. I’ve been crying on and off all day. Now I am single, favorite person less and I feel pretty empty. I went to bed at 8:30 last night after I took extra melatonin just because it was too painful to keep being awake. I don’t want to miss him so much. I want to be more mad than I am sad.
I still woke up this morning and did yoga, I meditated, I did what I had to do. but it feels like shit to feel like shit. I don’t want to die alone.
